


A broken doll

by Solrey



Series: You are worth it, you are deserving [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Crying, Depression, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Overworking, San is pulling through, San needs someone to catch him, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Talking, Yeosang helps him, Yeosang is direct like always, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21724723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solrey/pseuds/Solrey
Summary: The face in the mirror is his, San knows. His eyes look back at him but they have lost their shining, now only mirroring what he felt inside all along. Emptiness.
Relationships: Choi San/Kang Yeosang, SanSang - Relationship
Series: You are worth it, you are deserving [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541890
Comments: 8
Kudos: 103





	A broken doll

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~  
> I'm a new atiny since the 26 last month and I already fell for these boys way to hard. 
> 
> What I have here happened on a whimp when I was catching up on all the Ateez content. It got triggered my San's Wonderland teaser because the moment I saw it, he reminded me of a fragile doll. Not in a bad way of course but I have noticed that San seems to have a lot of self-doubt (which he tries to cover up) and it hurts me seeing him like this. In no way I want to say this is how he really feels - its still a work of fiction but I do hope if he feels lost sometimes that the members are here to catch him. … :)

It hurts. 

An endless circle he can’t escape.

The hours get longer but the view never changes.

What does he see when he looks into the mirror, sees what apparently is himself? 

With each passing day he wonders, seeks for an answer, what someone sees in him which he is unable to. 

Wonders what difference it would make to see himself through their eyes, with another mindset and clear thoughts.

The face in the mirror is his, San knows. His eyes look back at him but they have lost their shining, now only mirroring what he felt inside all along. Emptiness. 

San was unsure when it had started but as soon as he had noticed the symptoms, it had been undeniable. What once was bright and shining became dull and grey for him, what once brought joy to his heart only burdened him now with each passing day. Each time he looked into the mirror it seemed like his reflection was mocking him, telling him how fucked up he was, that nothing would be like it was before. His mirror-self showing him that he had reached a dead end. 

He felt undeserved of feelings, pure emotions like joy, happiness. Couldn’t enjoy them anymore. Other emotions replaced the old ones. 

Dark thoughts. Thoughts which had worried him in the beginning now seemed to be so normal to him. 

His members, his new family, knew. How could they not when eight boys live together in one dorm, sooner or later they would stumble upon many secrets. San’s self-doubt was no expectation. If it was only self-doubt, they didn’t need to know that there was more behind it. 

He wasn’t sure when his members had caught up on him, on his destructive thoughts but they eventually did. Wooyoung had been one of the first to notice, tried to ask him many times what was actually troubling him but not once could San mutter an honest reply. It hurt him, knowing he was intentionally lying to him but the younger didn’t push him. He was glad. Lying to his best friend, his partner in crime, felt horrible but necessary. What would he do if the younger knew and turned away? Not that Wooyoung would ever do such a thing, San knew as much but rationally thinking wasn’t always so easy. 

The other members came too, asking him if they could help him in any way but he declined, not knowing how he could actually explain how he felt. He felt nothing. How could he explain nothingness? The words seemed to be stuck in his throat, never able to leave. 

Yeosang had been the only one to not try to get him to talk, just silently sat down next to him and let San’s mind wander without questioning it. He was glad. The older had always been someone who was able to calm him down, his quiet and introverted self, made San comfortable in hard times. It was as if the older could read his mind. Yeosang had always been there when he had needed a shoulder to rest on or a hand to squeeze, a body to share warmth with but was absent when he needed his time alone. The older never forced a conversation, was even able to make Wooyoung back away for a while to give him space to breath. San was thankful. 

Still, the older was one of his problems too. The way Yeosang always seemed to mingle with his thoughts without his knowledge made San crazy. He didn’t want to think about the older like this, the way he was able to brighten up his dull world just a little bit, giving him a safe space he so desperately was in need of. The danger of dragging the older with him was too high. This was his problem, something he had to overcome by himself. But it was dragging him down, deeper and deeper with every passing day. The smile he faked every day became less believable, the cameras catching him struggle more than once.

San kept going, pushing himself through everything. They had a schedule to fulfill, fans to please, achievements to make – he couldn’t slack off. He didn’t want to be the weak link in the line, in their group of talented and hardworking young boys. Pushing through meant working more, staying longer, sleeping less. It was worrying and San knew, the others watching him with sad eyes. They weren’t able to break through his wall anymore, feared he would overwork himself one day. San feared the day too. 

It came faster than he had expected. 

He was yet again watching himself in the mirror of their bathroom, the mirror misted because he had showered just a minute ago but with the back of his hand he had wiped some of it away. Was this really him who he saw in the mirror? San felt like he saw someone who wasn’t him. He had become thin, his cheekbones more prominent now, dark eyebags framing his eyes and his lips looked chapped, bitten at. Where had the cheerful, energetic San gone to? He wasn’t sure, long forgotten when he had last seen him. His eyes had lost the spark to them.

It hurts. Seeing himself so weak, so bad. He had to work more, improve and step up, he couldn’t slack off but how could he, when his mind played against him. The thoughts he so desperately thought off came back, each and every day, not one without them. 

_What did you do to deserve debuting when so many talented trainees where still waiting?_

Nothing. 

_How could you make a mistake on stage? You only will cause trouble for Ateez._

He knew, he was so painfully aware of it.

_Love? Someone loving you? Unlikely._

Pain. It pained him. He wanted nothing more than give back what he was receiving, all the love and adoration but he found himself unable to. What did people see in San? What did his members saw in him? What did- 

He shook his head, biting yet again his already damaged lip. Bad thoughts. 

_In love with a man? Disgusting._

San’s eyes began to water. Thick tears began to run down his cheeks, mixing with his already wet body but he was unable to look away from his pathetic self. Small hiccups left his mouth and he felt how the world seemed to crumble under his feet, threatening to swallow him wholly. 

A nock at the bathroom door made San’s head snap back, a hand slamming over his mouth. He hoped however had knocked hadn’t heared him cry-

“Sanie?” 

He whined. Of course he had heard, of course Yeosang had to be the one knocking on the goddamned door. 

“Can I come in?” 

Yeosang’s voice was hushed, small and San thanked him for it. 

“No.” 

“Please?” The older pleaded and San shook his head, hastily pulling on his underwear because he could already see Yeosang coming in without his agreement and he would not be naked in front of the man he liked, the man who should never find out. “We can talk through the door but I figured you might not want the other’s to know.” 

His chest painfully clenched at the words. Why had Yeosang to be so attentive, so caring towards him, it made him feel things he shouldn’t. His tears never stopped, San tried so hard to make them stop, pushing his hands painfully over his eyes – it didn’t work. Hiccup after hiccup left his mouth. It was all to much. 

“I’m coming in.” 

And indeed, Yeosang did. San didn’t look up, only heard the door open and close, feeling the shift in the room. For a moment there was silence, none of them speaking, just San’s strained sounds while he tried to stop himself from crying. 

Two arms sneaked around him, pulling him into a hug and San’s heart only shattered more at the sweet gesture. Felt how Yeosang silently kissed his damped, wet hair, pressing his lips against him. It broke his heart. Feeling himself craving something he wasn’t allowed to. 

“Your thoughts are so loud Sanie. They worry me.” 

“ ‘m sorry.” San voice breaks, Yeosang’s embrace gets a little tighter. 

“No need to be sorry for.” The older whispers, keeping their conversation as quiet as possible. “I just want you to know that you aren’t alone in this. I know you work hard, probably to make yourself stop thinking and that is what worries me. Worries us all. We are here for you even if you push us away.” 

San knows, he knows it so very well that it hurts more than it can comfort him. The fear of inflicting similar thoughts in the other members was scary, painful even. He loved them to much to drag them down in his grey world, into the nothingness of his existents. 

“We all think like this sometimes Sanie, we all experienced it before. Some of us are stronger, can handle it better while other’s feel overrun by it. This doesn’t lessen your worth nor your importance. The human mind is fragile, almost like a doll. It can break many times, only to be glued back together every time but it would never be the same. However, broken things tell a story, are loaded with experiences and scars, showing that they had survived many. In a way are broken things are just as beautiful.” 

He hiccups but let his head fall onto Yeosang’s shoulder, his hands beginning to claw at the elder’s back. Why had Yeosang always to be so direct, it wasn’t good for his heart.

“No matter how often you push me away, I will comeback and stay where you need me. We can work through this together, you and me. Or you choose another one, but don’t think we let you destroy yourself. We care to much about you to let you wither away in out grasp.” Yeosang’s voice is hushed but full of warmth, a warmth San felt undeserved for. “Call me selfish Sanie but I refuse to see you overwork yourself, I want you to tell me what troubles you so much. I want to be the one at your side, picking you up when you stumble and fall. I rather see you hate me then see you hating yourself for something you have no control over.” 

His tears eventually subdue, but the wet spot on the elder’s shirt is prominent and San feels embarrassed, having cried on his crush’s shoulder like a baby. Yeosang didn’t seem to care much about it. When their eyes crossed for the first time that night, most likely already past midnight, San’s heart threatens to give out once again. All the things Yeosang had said sounded to good to be true. So unreal. He wanted to believe them, to trust the other and his words but it was hard. So incredible hard. After months, it needed more than just a few words to help him. Both of them knew. 

He still let himself be pulled out of the bathroom and into the elder’s room. Wooyoung was nowhere in sight, probably cuddling someone else since Yeosang hadn’t come back to their shared room. San was glad his best friend wasn’t there, Yeosang’s best friend too. With a reassuring smile he pulled San along with him into his bed, shifting them under the covers until San’s head laid next to the other’s, their breaths mingling. 

“No matter how grey your world turns, no matter how many self-doubts you have, no matter how many times you feel undeserved, I will always be here for you.” Yeosang whispers when he pulls the cover over them, his eyes so distinctively warm. “You are beautiful the way you are, no matter what you feel or do. I know that, the members know it, Atiny know it. We accept you for who you are. I guarantee it.” 

It was a short, soft kiss against his forehead but for the first time in weeks he was greeted with silence, with pure silence. His negative, bad thoughts vanishing and giving him finally room to breathe, to feel something besides nothingness. It felt good and just for the night he allowed himself to let go, to be engulfed - to not worry, even if it was just for a night.

Maybe, just maybe, he could tell his mirror-self tomorrow that it all would become better eventually. 

With Yeosang at his side, it will.

**Author's Note:**

> The way I portray Depression here is close to my own and how I experience it every day, I'm sorry if some might not be able to identify with it. But I still hope everyone knows there is someone who is willed to listen to you, give you a shoulder to cry on. You aren't alone. :)
> 
> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/SolreyItIs) and my [ CC](https://curiouscat.me/@SolreyItIs)


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